Hello, my name is Thomas and I'm an addict...

I'm not addicted to illegal drugs, food, alcohol or prescription pills. I'm addicted to energy drinks, specifically Monster. I like to "Unleash the Beast" as the can says. L-Carnitine, taurine and ginseng how I long for your tingle on my tongue. Caffeine, you my friend, are what gets my blood flowing. Hey there B-Vitamins glad you made it cause I need you more than ever. What exactly is your flavor? Fruit punch? Strawberry? Some amalgamation of everything that is tasty? It matters not because you quench my thirst, tickle my taste buds and make me crash. Ah the dreaded crash. I feel you coming on as my eyelids get heavy, my irritation levels increase and my urge to kill rises to Ted Bundy-like levels. Like a junky looking for a heroine fix, a coke addict looking for a bump or a fatty looking for a donut to eat in the dark. You have me fixated on the rush and I cry a little inside when you are gone.

In all seriousness I drink way too many of them. Monster, Red Bull and Venom are my poisons of choice. Unfortunately 2 of them are CONSTANTLY at my disposal as they are sold here at work and for much less than my local QT or Race Trac does. To make matters worse is I get $6 each day allotted to me for food by my department. Now, let me make one thing very clear: I do eat and I do not squander my per Diem on energy drinks. I do, however, use some of that allowance to buy one. That being said, I looked in my car which doubles as a trash can and noticed the carnage of spent cans in the back. It's pure aluminum carnage and some cans are crushed most likely as a result of the "monster" strength I got from chugging a can. Yea I know....don't crush my dreams. The can has a small label "warning" on it that says not to consume more than 3 cans each day. There have been days in the past where I have had more than 3 so I hope that's a polite suggestion and not a precursor warning of imminent death or coronary explosion. I felt OK afterward.....a little jittery and was playing with knives but I was fine.

Since I am of the analytical, aka. nerd, mind let's dissect the components of a typical 16oz can of green Monster shall we? First off you see the green trademarked "M" logo where it's obvious that a huge beast of a person has scratched his way through sheer aluminum. OK...I'm sold. Blog post done. KIDDING!! The next thing you see is "ENERGY". Hey, I need energy, there is energy in this can. If I consume the drink I can have energy too. FUCKING SWEEEET!! WWWRRRRRRAAAARRRRRRR!!! Oh wait...there is some strange "extra" stuff in my can of liquid fuck-off. Let's dig deeper into them and see what's up:


Straight jacked from Wiki:


TAURINE- Taurine, or 2-aminoethanesulfonic acid, is an organic acid. It is a major constituent of bile and can be found in the lower intestineand, in small amounts, in the tissues of many animals, including humans.Taurine is a derivative of the sulfur-containing (sulfhydryl) amino acid cysteine. Taurine is one of the few known naturally occurring sulfonic acids.

Despite being present in many energy foods, taurine has not been proven to be energy-giving. FUCK!!!!

Taurine is regularly used as an ingredient in energy drinks, with many containing 1000mg per serving, and some as much as 2000mg. A 2003 study by the European Food Safety Authority found no adverse effects for up to 1,000 mg of Taurine per kilogram of bodyweight per day; however this was in regards to Taurine alone, noting they did not compare the effects of Taurine when combined with the other ingredients in energy drinks.

A review published in 2008 found no documented reports of negative health effects associated with the amount of taurine used in energy drinks, concluding that "The amounts of guarana, taurine, and ginseng found in popular energy drinks are far below the amounts expected to deliver either therapeutic benefits or adverse events".

OK, so we can derrive from my snippets that Taurine is pretty useless on it's own but let's keep on trucking cause there is more.

L-Carnitine- is a quaternary ammonium compound biosynthesized from the amino acids lysine and methionine. In living cells, it is required for the transport of fatty acids from the cytosol into the mitochondria during the breakdown of lipids (or fats) for the generation of metabolic energy. It is often sold as a nutritional supplement. Carnitine was originally found as a growth factor for mealworms and labeled vitamin Bt.

Is your head spinning yet?? There's more:

As a weight loss supplement
"Although L-carnitine has been marketed as a weight loss supplement, there is no scientific evidence to show that it improves weight loss, however some studies show that oral carnitine reduces fat mass, increases muscle mass, and reduces fatigue. All of these effects may contribute to weight loss."

Regular supplements of L-carnitine, however, contribute to energy metabolism and improved neurotransmitter function in the brain in elderly.

Well...that's promising, right? BUT WAIT!!! THERE'S MORE!!!

This stuff has some other things in it too like Ginseng root used for many things in the Asian culture for centuries like treatment for Type II diabetes, as an aphrodisiac and for sexual dysfunction. As my smoking hot wife will tell you I got no problems in the dysfunction part. Giggity.

Guarana...ahhhh this little climbing plant produces a bean that is harvested. Now you java junkies think you got the low down of caffeine?? You got nothing on this little gem. One bean contains TWICE (2x) the caffeine found in your typical coffee bean. BOOOOOM!! What some may not know is that naturally occurring caffeine is actually a defense mechanism to keep the bugs away from the fruit of the plant. Being humans we have once again pilfered nature for our own personal gains and because I need my caffeine before I kill someone in a bloody raging fit because I haven't had my FIX GODDAMNIT!!!! But I digress...

Most people think Americans got the juice when it comes to energy drinks, strong coffee and sodas but the Brazilians have soft drinks(pop, coke, soda) that is made with guarana and supposedly these sweet Baby Jesus-sent cans of love give American sodas and energy drinks the dirty middle finger when it comes to zip-zoom.

Ok, ok so what am I getting at with all my Monster induced rambling? It goes back to what I have said all along.....moderation. Aside from energy drinks having a sleu of questionable chemicals, sugar, rocket fuel, gun powder and maybe trace amounts nuclear over run they are filled with empty calories. One 16oz can has 2 servings at 100 calories per serving....200 per can....drink one a day and that is 1000 extra empty calories per work week. Ouch. I'll make you all a promise: You find one thing you love and back off by half and I'll cut my energy drink consumption down to 2 per week....deal?

Pardon me, I need to go mainline another can first.


I'll leave you with some parting thoughts as I setup my Monster IV: