Recently I have had a ton of hatred and anger. Angry at my weight loss road block and angry at the gym in general. I hate the way I STILL look after many hours in the gym. I hate going to the gym because it feels like a fruitless endeavor only to have my weight stay the same as it has for the last 2 months or so.
I'm frustrated at my energy levels and my general apathy to even thinking about they gym. What's the point? I'm not getting anywhere and I am no closer to reaching my goal weight than I was when this year started. Busting ass to stay the same is not what I had in mind when I started this trek. People I talk to say "You look great! I can't believe you want to lose more." or "You know they say the last few pounds are the hardest to get rid of." Well, I don't know who "they" are and why "they" say that but fuck 'em cause they are wrong. I still have a gut and man boobs I can't get rid of and it literally pisses me off.
Right now I'm sitting at 212lbs. Granted that is a far cry from the 240lbs I was at but it has taken me a year or more to shed that. I still see myself as a fatty. My goal is 190lbs and it is within my reach. I don't eat crap, I stay away from refined sugars, I work out almost every week day and I still see no improvement. I have contemplated some very drastic things to accelerate my metabolism and none of them are good or healthy and most have a potential for even worse side effects. I take a stack right now but it just seems to keep me level, keeps my energy at a point I can function, not do more or work harder but just function.
To make matters worse...well not worse but definitely different is that Melissa has started on a medication that is giving her loads of lost energy due to it regulating her tyroid production. I, unfortunately, am still waiting on my test results and subsiquent doctors appointment where I hope a resolution can be found.
Admittedly it has caused a little depression. This is not me. I'm the happiest person I know. I have an absolutely perfect wife and perfect marriage but this stuggle is driving me insane. It's affected me in ways that I never thought of and I hope I can eventually explain it to the one I love. When you go to Poncho's Mexican Buffet you raise the flag for more....my flag has been missing. I know people read this who are close to Melissa and frankly I don't care who sees it. Its a real thing, its embarassing and it just adds insult to injury so to speak. I want it to stop.
That's all I have to say. I hate myself right now.
Thomas, sorry to hear about this.. that really sucks, but you are seriously brave for putting this out there. I also think you and Melissa both should both be proud of what you've accomplished in the last year or so, in terms of weight loss and elsewhere in life.
ReplyDeleteI am no expert at weight loss (more of an expert at weight loss prevention) but it seems to me that you are experiencing early what you would be experiencing at your goal weight anyway. If you were already at your goal weight, you would now be facing exactly the same thing as being at a plateau.. maintaining. "Busting ass to stay the same", as you say, isn't particularly rewarding, but it may very well be what you (or I.. theoretically.. at some point..) have to do in order to maintain. That probably doesn't help with what you are currently experiencing, but maybe it adds some perspective.. I dunno.
As for specific body areas that you are unsatisfied with, maybe a seriously skilled personal trainer might have some input? I have seen an exercise/diet program online that purports to help with losing man boobs, but like anything online, who knows if it's for real.
I hope your doctor finds something physiological that can be addressed; if not, or maybe in addition, perhaps some counselling or therapy? I gather if your work situation is still similar to what you described in a previous post, that can't be helping things either.
You have already accomplished, through determination and force of will, what most people in our situation are not able to do. I hope you can take some comfort and motivation from that to get through what you're experiencing, though I imagine it's not easy right now. By whatever way it happens, I hope you feel better soon.
take care,
Loren